A Letter to the Anonymous

In cosmic friends, cosmic writings
Scroll this

A letter to the Anonymous: “I’ve always been a daydreamer. I love the dreams that are dreamt in both reality and in sleep.”


ChristianOrrillo-cosmicorgasm-artist-feature-artwork-creative-writing-friends-submission-story-daydreamer
artwork by Christian Orrillo

A letter to the Anonymous

Once upon a time, something happened to me that affected me forever. I was a child back then and in within the silence of those minutes, I morphed into something else. I believe that any change that occurs in our life is determined by our own will for it to happen so I didn’t let it affect me much. Sure, I grew up somewhat cynical, distrusting and isolated even, but I zipped my mouth shut and tread along in life, deeming it as something unimportant that just happened to me.

I’ve always been a daydreamer. I love the dreams that are dreamt in both reality and in sleep. There’s a quote by H. P. Lovecraft, ‘I loved the irradiate refuge of sleep. In my dreams I found a little of the beauty I had vainly sought in life, and wandered through old gardens and enchanted woods.’ I breathed it. I had lots of friends back in school and was a total goofball back then. I loved making my friends laugh and acting like a total clown. Somehow though, my mouth was always downturned like a fish. ‘Hehe! Look at my Salmon mouth’ I clowned away, feeling the weight of it on my face. It was easier for me to tune away the world and confine myself to my personal bubble though, a novel hidden behind the Science book and a smile on my face. Felt lighter then; my Salmon mouth.During the last years of school, I met an anonymous in the virtual world of Facebook. I had only shown a fleeting sense of interest in anyone in life so far, so that was a first for me. Oh young love! What a thrill it’d been Haha. I’d always scoffed at the idea of puppy love and stupid teenagers holding hands back then, but when it finally happened to me, Boyy was I beat! It was a huge leap for me though. It was not something that I took lightly, which would inevitably cause me my downfall. Still, I’d slowly unwinded myself, all the hatred that I had subjected myself to, growing up. That’s the best thing that I ever did to myself. I was hurt as a child; I’d always thought lowly of myself and condemned myself unworthy of complete happiness. At the first spark of mutual affection though, I flipped self- hatred the bird and got whisked away into my personal sense of euphoria.

During the last years of school, I met an anonymous in the virtual world of Facebook. I had only shown a fleeting sense of interest in anyone in life so far, so that was a first for me. Oh young love! What a thrill it’d been Haha. I’d always scoffed at the idea of puppy love and stupid teenagers holding hands back then, but when it finally happened to me, Boyy was I beat! It was a huge leap for me though. It was not something that I took lightly, which would inevitably cause me my downfall. Still, I’d slowly unwinded myself, all the hatred that I had subjected myself to, growing up. That’s the best thing that I ever did to myself. I was hurt as a child; I’d always thought lowly of myself and condemned myself unworthy of complete happiness. At the first spark of mutual affection though, I flipped self- hatred the bird and got whisked away into my personal sense of euphoria.

Súton// Twilight; the approaching of death or the end of something//

I used to think that love was mirrored through carnal longings. That it was right to be expected and presented with. This is how the hurt returned ten folds stronger. Because I’d grown up thinking so. As I turned seventeen, I shed away sixteen years of my life, my naïveté and myself. The dreams remained though, along with my love for love. The anonymous and I had stopped ceasing to be and had subjected ourselves to friendship already. I’d like to thank the first anonymous for this. Although we’re the kind of people who’d laugh away statements like these, thank you. It built me.

It made me sad as much as it made me happy. I was tasting the first ripened fruit of my youth. I took a small bite and the sour-sweet taste of ambrosia spilled through the gaps of my fingers and dripped down my elbows. I was discovering myself back then; a clownish teenager, slightly rebellious, slightly unfocused and always romanticizing the idea of love.

Paramnesia// a condition or a phenomenon involving distorted memory or confusions of fact and fantasy//

I’d grown accustomed to myself back then; my lone company. On my way back home somedays, my thoughts muddled with a Haruki Murakami novel or another melancholic one, the sky would pour Grey from the horizon; over the streets, the people and the crowded public places. Those specific days, I’d find my heart contract suddenly and feel a sudden urgency to cry. It sounds stupid for me now and I find it stupid to admit it but that was that. I felt alone and desolate.

Somehow, I met another anonymous against everybody’s judgments. I rejoiced in the false sense of comfort, of love and future. I failed to understand that we’re young and still incapable of making correct decisions. Words though, still carry their weigh. So with each lie that I convinced both of us with, I was casting a poisonous spell. Wasting both our time and epitomizing myself into the Big Bad Wolf. Exhaling the trust away with each breath that I took. I mislead a wonderful person and I’m sorry. I beat myself over it every chance that I get.

Sankofa// “go back and fetch it”; we must look back to the past so that we may understand how we became what we are, and move on to a better future//

I’m turning nineteen soon. Sometimes, I reflect upon my past and feel a sense of comfort settle over me. I’d been a walking contradiction as a child but I’ve been blessed with my parents and my friends who’ve always stood by me. There was always someone who’d entwine their fingers with mine when I hurt myself, always someone who noticed me when my Salmon mouth looked more Salmonish than usual and always someone who loved me and connected with me regardless of everything.

My first anonymous and I, we don’t care about how we could end up now, but we can recall every minutiae of the seconds that we’d been innocent kids. We’d been children back then and those days of naïvety can never be lived again. The only anonymous who came after, taught me selflessness and life. That it was good to let go of some things that had grown to haunt you. Thank You for everything.

― Reya Shreya Rai is the cosmic friend who is writing from Nepal. She loves Haruki Murakami because there are no boundaries, no concrete realities in his novels. Thanks + cheers! #cosmicorgasm


Submit a comment

error:

By continuing to use the site, you agree to the use of cookies. more information

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this.

Close